


I Try To Picture Me Without You But I Can't

by estrella30



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M, OT5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 08:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3320867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estrella30/pseuds/estrella30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They stand together, the five of them curled into each other in a way that Liam’s not sure whose hand he’s holding, or whose breath he can feel on his cheek. He tips his head down and kisses Harry’s hair, leans into Zayn’s lips when he feels them on the back of his neck and grins when Niall rocks up on his toes to kiss Louis square on the mouth.</p>
<p>OR - how the OT5 became the OT5 from finish to start</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Try To Picture Me Without You But I Can't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [speakingwosound (sev313)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sev313/gifts).



> for speakingwosound!
> 
> Hi there! I tried to take a little bit from a few of your amazing prompts and work it all into this fic so I hope you like it!
> 
> Special thanks to A for helping me hammer down the idea for this and all the cheerleading and B for the terrific beta as usual. You ladies are wonderfulllllllll
> 
> Any remaining mistakes are completely my own. If you are of know anyone in this fic please don't read.

-END-

*  
 _ **epilogue**_

 

Liam leans against the doorway of Sammy’s bedroom, watching his back rise and fall with each quiet, sleepy breath. Moonlight shines through the window and Sammy stretches in his sleep, his tiny arms shooting up over his head. Liam wants to go in and touch him. He wants to stroke his thumb over the baby’s cheek rub his tiny belly and think to himself: _I’ve got a son._ We’ve _got a son_.

“Should have known I’d find you here,” Louis tuts, coming up behind him in the hall. Liam doesn’t even turn around, just holds out his hand behind him, a warm, safe feeling sweeping through his belly when Louis curls their fingers together. Louis rests his chin on Liam’s shoulder and Liam feels his own cheeks go warm. 

It’s been so long - years even - but Liam still has a hard time believing that this is his life. That he’s got all of this. That all of this is _his_.

“I was just checking on him for a mo,” Liam whispers. He still feels guilty he was the last one to hospital when Sammy was born. Not that he missed it - he’d been there in plenty of time - but he still feels badly that he was the last one there. He thinks he’ll probably be trying to make it up to Sammy for the rest of his life, daft as that sounds. 

Sammy snuffles again and turns his face towards the doorway, tiny pink lips pursed in sleep and a rosy flush to his cheeks. He’s got a fuzz of dark hair on his head and when he’s awake his eyes are the brightest, clearest blue. Liam can’t stop staring at him. He loves his boy so, so much.

Liam hears footsteps behind him and he turns when they come up short, Harry’s low voice scratching out a deep greeting.

“Oh. Erm. Hello,” Harry hedges. Louis laughs and rolls his eyes. Harry’s hair is sticking up at the front and his sleep shirt is wrinkled. Liam puts his arm around Louis and drags him in while reaching his other hand out to Harry. 

Harry takes it gratefully and slots into Liam’s space pressing a quick kiss to his jaw while peering past him into Sammy’s room. 

“He’s sleeping good, yeah?” Harry asks. Liam nods and Louis chuckles. When Liam looks over he can see Louis’ hand in the back of Harry’s hair, combing it out with his fingers. “I was just worried, is all. It’s his first night in his own room and not with us and--”

“And you had to come out and check on him,” Zayn says quietly. Liam glances over and sees Zayn pretending to frown but he’s known Zayn forever it feels like. He knows when Zayn’s just taking the piss and poking fun at them. Liam and Harry tend to be the butt of the jokes when Sammy’s involved at least. Not that Liam minds. Every baby needs a mother hen or two. 

“Zayn,” Harry whines. 

Zany holds his serious expression for another second, before grinning brightly, eyes crinkling at the corners. He kisses Harry’s cheek and pats Louis on the bum and catches Liam’s eye, soft and knowing. 

“You were the first one out here, weren’t you,” Zayn asks Liam. Liam flushes again and drops his eyes. He feels Zayn’s fingers on his cheek and then he turns Liam’s face towards his and kisses him soundly on the mouth. “I thought we all agreed he was going to be fine tonight.”

“He will be!” Liam says. Sammy shifts again and they all take a small step back. It’s good to check on the baby, but waking him up because they’re all standing there whispering about him would be...less than good, Liam suspects. 

“I mean, he is. Of course.” Liam catches Harry’s gaze and holds it until Harry nods along with him. “Right, Hazza?”

“Yes. Right. I mean, I’m sure he is,” Harry says weakly. He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself as much as everyone else. Louis touches Liam’s back and leans into Zayn’s hands which are resting on Louis’ hips. Liam looks at the way Harry is biting his lip nervously, one foot halfway into Sammy’s room as he says, “But I could just - I could go in and check on him, of course. Real quiet like. Just to be sure.”

“Ha,” Niall says, finally meeting the rest of them in the hall. Liam had wondered how much longer it was going to take him to wake up and find them all gone. He grins at Niall who is rolling his eyes so hard Liam thinks it must be actually hurting his brain. He wonders if that could happen - brain strain from eyeball rolling. It sounds possible at least. 

“As if you could manage to sneak in there and check on the baby without tripping over something or braining yourself on the crib,” Niall adds, saying what the rest of them are obviously thinking.

Harry turns to glare at Niall. “I could.”

“You couldn’t,” Niall says back easily. His hair is sticking straight up in every different direction and his smile is easy and bright. 

Harry’s fingers find Liam’s and curl around them tightly. “Niall,” Harry warns. “I could check on him _so quietly_ I--”

“Not that anyone needs to,” Louis says gently. Harry huffs a little when Louis interrupts, but Louis kisses him quickly and Harry smiles. “Lads, look at him.” 

They stand together, the five of them curled into each other in a way that Liam’s not sure whose hand he’s holding, or whose breath he can feel on his cheek. He tips his head down and kisses Harry’s hair, leans into Zayn’s lips when he feels them on the back of his neck and grins when Niall rocks up on his toes to kiss Louis square on the mouth.

Louis is right, of course. He nearly always is. Sammy is still sleeping, quiet and safe and so very loved. Liam’s heart is full nearly to bursting. 

Everything is good. It’s perfect, even. He’s got his boys and they’ve got their son and really, his very strange, very different kind of family is nothing Liam’s ever expected, but it’s every single thing he’ll ever need. 

*

_**5.**_

Lottie sits down on the park bench, watching Alice run off with one of her friends over to the swings. 

“Be careful!” Lottie shouts. “Don’t swing too high and fall off!” 

Alice grins at her over her shoulder, long hair flying out behind her. “That’s half the fun, mum!” Alice calls back and Lottie shakes her head. 

It’s the curse, Lottie thinks. The mum curse, that you wind up with a child who’s exactly like you when you were little. Alice is amazing and sweet, but she’s also too smart for her own good, and has got a tongue sharper than half the grownups Lottie knows, not to mention all of the kids. 

It’s sunny out, for once. A rarity in London in the fall. Lottie tips her head back and closes her eyes, figuring she’s got a few minutes at least before some kind disaster strikes. It could be anything from someone not wanting to play with Alice, to someone wanting to play with her too much, to her deciding she doesn’t want to play right now at all. Lottie’s got no idea which one it will be today. Maybe something new entirely. Being the mum of a seven year old is never dull. 

Lottie sighs and tries to relax, but her nerves are buzzing, a sharp thrill of anticipation curling through her as each minute passes. She blinks up at the sky and blows out a breath. It hasn’t been that long, really, but when she thinks about how long everyone’s waited for this day - when she adds up all the days and months and _years_ \- well. Sometimes it seems like this day has been coming forever. 

She’s sitting there quietly for not more than a minute when her mobile rings. She fumbles it out of her pocket and it’s Louis’ number on the screen. Her heart bangs hard in her chest with excitement when she swipes her thumb across the screen and answers it. 

“Hello?”

“Lottie,” Louis says, her name coming out so fast she can barely hear it. “Lots. He’s here. I mean, he’s coming. Soon. Like--”

“Ok,” Lottie says calmly. She stands up and starts gathering her things from the bench. Her jacket and purse and Alice’s bottle of water. Lottie had been so keyed up with nerves before Louis called, but now that she knows that it’s time, that the baby is coming, she needs to be calm because her brother is clearly freaking the hell out. 

She knows of them all Louis is the one she’s got to worry about the most. 

Harry’s so openly fretful over things she’s got no worries that he’s grabbing every person that walks past him, rambling on and on about every worry and fear he’s got, but that’s good, Lottie thinks. She never worries about Harry keeping anything bottled up inside to the point that he’s bursting with it. 

Liam is a bit of the same, though maybe a little more subdued. Niall will make jokes to cover up how scared he actually is, and Zayn will just go quiet to the point of near silence. They’re all scared shitless, and rightfully so, but Louis is her main concern. 

They’re all her brothers but Louis was her brother first.

The problem with Louis is that he’ll be loud - so very _very_ loud - bossing everyone around and taking charge on the outside, but inside he’s just as scared as the rest of them. Maybe more, because in addition to taking care of the baby coming, Louis is most likely convinced he’s got to take care of the rest of the boys as well. It’s been years at this point. Lottie know exactly how Louis works. 

“Lou, are you at hospital?” Lottie asks, voice slow and steady. 

She hears Louis take a deep breath and blow it out. “Yeah. Mum is on her way and Harry is downstairs bringing Anne up. Zayn and Niall are around here somewhere.”

“Ok, good.”

“Liam is on his way back,” Louis says. His voice shakes a bit before he steadies it, blowing out a sharp breath. “He’d had a meeting up north. It’s going to be at least another hour before he gets here.” Louis says something quietly to someone in the background, and then she hears Zayn’s voice, level and strong. “He’s not going to miss it, right?” Louis asks her when he comes back on the line. “The baby coming. It takes longer than an hour, doesn’t it?”

“Much longer, Lou,” Lottie says. “I promise. Liam won’t miss a thing.”

She angles the mobile away from her face and calls out Alice’s name. Alice has been playing tag with her friends but something in Lottie’s voice makes her stop, her hair swirling around her shoulders as she freezes and looks with wide eyes in Lottie’s direction. 

“Alice Anne, let’s go,” Lottie calls again, and Alice barely spares a second to say goodbye to her friends before bounding over, blue eyes glittering with excitement. 

“That’s what Harry said,” Louis says. “Anyway, are you coming soon? Where are you, are you still at the park? I think Niall and Zayn--”

“I’m coming,” Lottie says. She holds Alice’s water to her and Alice takes it, bouncing on her feet and yanking Lottie’s hand to pull her toward the park exit. “We’ll be there so quick, Lou. Promise.”

“Ok,” Louis says. Lottie can tell he’s smiling. Scared to death, obviously, but also happy. 

Lottie is so proud of him - of all of them - she thinks she could burst. 

“You’re going to be great dad, Lou,” Lottie says quietly. She touches the top of Alice’s head and brushes the hair away from her face. Being a mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. She can’t wait for her brother and the boys to be dads. “All of you. I’m so proud of you all.”

Louis sniffs. “Thanks, twerp,” he says softly. “See you soon.”

Lottie hangs up and takes Alice’s hand, walking them briskly through the park. Alice grins up at her and says, “Is the baby here?”

“Not yet.”

“But soon?”

“Very soon,” Lottie says. 

Alice’s face is scrunched up, as she clearly thinks about something. “I still think it’s weird.”

“What’s weird?” Lottie asks, even though she knows what’s coming. Alice has had a pretty liberal view of the world growing up with her uncles the way she has, but its still got to be strange to a seven year old. Louis’ family is very unlike any other family around. 

“I just think it’s so weird that everyone’s so excited over a baby _boy_ ,” Alice says, shocking Lottie silent. Lottie stops walking, her feet frozen to the spot to stare at her daughter.

“What?”

“ _Boys_ ,” Alice repeats, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Ew. A girl would have been so much better.”

Lottie blinks and smiles. “But it’s not weird that it’s Uncle Lou and Uncle Harry and Uncle Niall and Uncle Liam and Uncle Zayn having a baby all together?”

“Nah, that’s cool,” Alice says, and starts walking again. Lottie shakes her head and catches up, just as Alice adds, “My uncles are awesome. The baby’s going to be so lucky, even if it is a boy.”

Lottie can’t help but laugh and agree. “You’re right, Alice. The baby is going to be so very lucky.”

*

_**4.**_

Niall and Harry are the ones who do the shopping. 

Not all of it, of course. Liam comes along sometimes when he’s free and has got nothing else to do, filling the cart with ridiculous things like wheat germ and flax seed. Liam likes to buy whatever he sees that strikes his fancy though; ridiculous tiny grapes because they’re “so cute, Niall, look at them!” and packages of peppers in three different colors just because he thinks it would make the salad that night more attractive to eat. (To be fair Niall has this problem with Harry too, at times. Harry’s not quite mastered the guilty eyed puppy dog look quite as well as Liam has though, so Niall has an easier time saying no.)

Niall dragged Zayn with him at least once too, back when it was Harry’s birthday and he needed help planning a cake for him. Zayn was...less than helpful if Niall is feeling generous, a downright pain in the arse if he’s being realistic. Niall needs to remember people who enjoy art aren’t always the most productive to go shopping with. The end product was all right, Niall supposes. Harry certainly seemed to like it at least. 

And Louis. Well. Niall is _fairly_ sure he’s seen Louis purchase a package of crisps at least once or twice in his life? But he wouldn’t bet on it for certain. 

So when it comes to the big shop where they need to get food to actually live on - milk and meat and veg and cereal that won’t turn their insides to dust from the amount of chemicals in them (and at least one box that will) - that’s all up to Niall and Harry.

“Whose week is it for the roast this Sunday?” Harry asks. He’s got his hair piled on top of his head in a bun and is checking off things on the paper list he wrote out before anyone else was even awake. It was a close call. Niall had heard Liam clearing his throat from where he’d fallen asleep on the sofa the night before but Niall had just grabbed Harry’s arm and yanked him from the house before anyone even knew they were on their way out.

Niall thinks back to whose turn it was for the roast last week and sighs in fond memory. Last week was Harry’s week. He’d made a perfect roast and those tiny potatoes with the cheesy sauce that Zayn loves and a special chocolate berry tart just for Niall. 

Last week was a good week. The best week. This week...is going to be nothing like that.

“Louis,” Niall says sadly. He stops pushing the trolley and waits for Harry to realize what he’s said. 

“Oh. That’s right, I forgot,” Harry says. He blinks at Niall quietly. “Last week was a good week, wasn’t it.”

“The best,” Niall agrees.

“Well...” Harry says and trails off. He’s probably thinking about that chocolate berry tart too. Niall doesn’t blame him. It was ace. “Well that’s why we made the schedule,” Harry says, falsely cheerful. “We take turns slotting in our good roast weeks with the rest of the lads...not so good roast weeks.”

“On Louis’ last roast week we wound up having scrambled eggs,” Niall reminds Harry flatly. 

Harry sighs. “I remember.”

“That _you_ cooked for everyone.”

“Well it was either that or starve, Nialler,” Harry says, waving his list around in the air. “Which would you prefer?”

Niall opens his mouth to tell Harry exactly what he would prefer - an actually edible roast dinner the next day, with potatoes and corn and a good dessert- but Harry’s watching him with a tiny smile quirking his lips, his eyes sparkling with mirth.

“Remember Liam’s last?” Harry asks. His voice is bubbling with quiet laughter. “We wound up pretending you dropped it on the floor and sending Zayn out for a takeaway rather than eat it.”

“Oh god,” Niall says, shaking with laughter. “That bird was so undercooked it was still fucking clucking at me.”

“And Zayn’s before that?”

“At least Zayn knows when he’s fucked up,” Niall says admiringly. “Called you and me into the kitchen--”

“With that _look_ on his face--”

“ _Lads_ ,” Niall says, doing his best Zayn impression. He squints his eyes and stares off into the distance. “ _It’s not good news_.”

Harry doubles over at that, laughing so hard he’s clutching his sides. Niall laughs along with him, falling against Harry’s chest when he reaches out and pulls Niall against him, his lips resting lightly on the top of his head. 

“God bless Zayn Mailk,” Harry says, voice still wobbly with laughter. 

Niall wipes his eyes and tries to get himself under control. He takes the list, crumpled now from where Harry’s been clutching it in his hand as they break down in hysterics in the middle of the shop, and scans it quickly. He shakes his head, yanks the pencil from behind Harry’s ear and starts adding a bunch more things where Harry left off.

“Did I forget something?” Harry mumbles quietly. He kisses Niall’s hair one more time before pulling away. 

Niall nods and keeps writing. “Lots of stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Stuff for a roast. Veggies and cheese sauce. Whatever the fuck you used to make me that pie last week.”

“Niall,” Harry says flatly. Niall looks up and finds Harry frowning at him, his mouth pinched into a thin line. “It’s _Louis_ ’ week, remember?”

“I know,” Niall insists. “But I mean - there’s nothing to say you can’t _help_ him when he’s supposed to be cooking is there?”

Harry cocks his head to the side. He blinks curiously. “No. I suppose there’s not.”

“And, I mean, if Louis just happens to get called to play footie for a bit somewhere when he’s meant to be cooking…” Niall hedges. 

It takes Harry a second to get it but when he does his face lights up, smile wide and beaming. “I mean. I could help finish up for him,” Harry says. He’s trying to keep a straight face now, but his eyes are twinkling. “It’s the polite thing to do, innit.”

“Exactly.” Niall stands there nodding at Harry and Harry nods back. Niall’s brilliant. They’re both fucking _brilliant_. Niall can’t believe it’s taken him this long to think of this. 

“All right, I’ll get the roast, you get the berries, we’ll meet in the middle and grab the rest,” Harry says excitedly. He holds a fist out for Niall to bump which Niall does, complete with the little finger wiggle explosion sounds. 

“Deal,” he says, and races off to find the berries. 

*

_**3.** _

It’s Harry’s birthday and he is quite possibly the most trashed he’s ever been in his life. Not that that’s a bad thing; it’s a _great_ thing actually. He’s stuffed from dinner and filled up with the fizzy pink drinks that Louis has been making him. The music in their flat is loud enough for Harry to be happy dancing around, smiling and laughing as he passes each of his boys and forces them to dance along with him. 

It’s just. It’s his _birthday_ and he’s _happy_. 

“It’s my birthdaaaaay,” Harry shouts as loud as he can. He lifts his glass up over his head, beaming when he sees Liam sprawled out on the sofa across the room raise his own glass in a toast. 

“Happy Birthday, Hazza!” Liam calls out. 

Harry does a little dance, just a quick kick of his foot then an awkward spin which has him nearly toppling over in the middle of the living room. He hears a low, “Whoa. Easy, killer,” behind him, and then Zayn’s arm snakes tight around his waist. 

Harry leans back, twisting his head so he can press a kiss to Zayn’s jaw. “Hiiiiii.”

“Oi, how trashed is he?” Niall asks as he pokes his head out of the kitchen. His eyes are bright blue and teasing. Harry sticks his tongue out and pouts. He’s not _trashed_ , just _happy_. He tells Niall that much and Niall smirks, murmuring, “Mmhmm,” real quietly in his throat.

“You’re good, right, babe?” Zayn asks. His breath is hot against Harry’s ear. Harry shivers and reaches behind him, grabs Zayn’s hips with his hands and pulls him in closer. 

“Yep,” Harry says softly and closes his eyes.

Zayn’s swaying slowly, just moving them idly from side to side when Harry feels someone step up in close. He blinks his eyes open and Louis is right in front of him. Harry beams happily, tipping forward to kiss Louis on the mouth. 

“‘S’my birthday,” Harry reminds him and Louis laughs against Harrys lips. 

“I’m fairly sure everyone you’ve passed for the past three days knows it’s your birthday today, love,” Louis says gently. He pushes the hair back from Harry’s forehead and kisses his cheek and eyelid and the curve of his jaw. 

Harry is so happy he thinks he might burst. Everything inside him is all tangled up, feelings of love and happiness and longing all melded into one. It’s not been long since he’s been able to have this - since they’ve all had this - but in some ways he feels like he’s had this forever. 

Liam gets up from the sofa and stands behind Louis, his big hands on Louis’ hips. He leans in and kisses Louis’ neck and Louis bites his lip, reaching back to tangle his hand in Liam’s hair. Harry’s still got Zayn wrapped up from behind him, and all that’s missing is Niall who’s still puttering around in the kitchen for who knows what reason. 

“Niall,” Harry calls. Niall doesn’t answer; Harry just hears more things banging around in the kitchen. “Niall, c’mere.”

“No,” Niall shouts back. Harry gasps. Niall told him _no_. On his _birthday_. But then Niall yells, “You all should come here, actually.”

Louis catches Harry’s eye and wiggles his eyebrows and Harry giggles quietly. Zayn pats him lightly on the hip and steers him toward the kitchen, Liam taking Louis’ hand and tugging him along in front. 

When they get to the kitchen the entire room is dark except for the truly ridiculous number of candles lit up around the edge of Harry’s birthday cake. Harry looks from the cake up into Niall’s face and Niall is beaming, his smile brighter than the biggest flame. 

“Nialler,” Harry says softly. 

The cake is _gorgeous_. Two tiers high with bright blue frosting and little black and silver candies arranged into the shape of an swirly _H_ on the top. There are tall, skinny silver candles lining the edge, each one lit with a bright flame, and Harry stops staring at the cake long enough to look up and beam at Niall who just blushes and drops his eyes. 

“It’s perfect,” Harry murmurs quietly. 

“Well, Zayn helped too,” Niall says. “Did all the…” he wiggle his fingers above the top of the cake which Harry takes to mean _decorating_. “The shit on top,” Niall finally says. 

Harry laughs and looks over at Zayn who’s watching Harry intently, the smallest smile touching his lips. 

“I love it,” Harry tells Zayn. He looks up at Niall and reaches out to take his hand. “I love the cake and the decorations and just…” Harry goes quiet, thinking how it’s not quite possible to express just how much love he’s got in his heart right now for these four boys. 

He looks from Niall to Zayn then back to Louis and Liam who are standing behind him, Liam’s hand on Harry’s hip and Louis’ hand gentle on his back. “I’m happy we did this,” Harry says simply, meaning so much more than the cake. 

Niall’s cheeks go pink and Zayn nods and comes over to kiss the top of Harry’s head. He feels Liam pat his hip and Louis’ fingers gently comb through the back of Harry’s hair, his voice gentle when he whispers, “Make a wish, Hazza.”

Harry looks at them all again, then smiles and closes his eyes. 

*

_**2.**_

Louis is freaking the fuck out.

He glares out the window at the London traffic, wondering just how much longer he’s going to have to live before someone invents one of those cars that can go up on stilts and drive over things like he’s seen in nearly every action film and cartoon ever made. It’s well into the age of technology that that should be available, he figures. Now where the fuck is it. 

His mobile buzzes again and Louis ignores it, curling his fingers tighter around the wheel and gritting his teeth.

“It’s going to be fine,” Zayn murmurs quietly. He’s been so silent Louis nearly forgot he was in the car. He glances over and Zayn’s curled into himself looking smaller than Louis ever remembers seeing. Zayn’s skin is pale and his jaw is tight. When he looks up at Louis his eyes are wide and dark and Louis pretends not to notice how petrified Zayn actually looks. 

“He’s going to be fine, yeah?” Zayn says again. This time it’s more of a question and Louis doesn’t want to think about it not being fine. That’s just - that’s not something he’s going to let happen. 

He nods his head sharply and breathes out through his nose. “Of course he’s going to be fine,” Louis says. He sounds more certain than he feels. “He has to be,” he says simply. “It’s Liam.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything back, just looks out the window until his own mobile buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket slowly. Louis can see him scrolling through then typing quickly on the screen. 

“Harry and Niall just got there,” Zayn says softly. Louis keeps staring straight ahead, inching along in traffic. He just needs to _get_ there. Once he’s there he can go find Liam and tell him what absolute rubbish this is. That Liam’s the one who’s got to help take care of them all and keep them all together. He’s not the one meant to be getting _hurt_. 

“They said it’s--”

“Shut up,” Louis says. His fingers are so tight on the wheel he can hear the bones crack. “Shut the fuck up and don’t say anything.”

Zayn watches Louis silently, then nods once and lays his hand on Louis’ arm. “All right,” Zayn says. 

Louis doesn’t answer, he just drives.

\--

Liam is fine, of course, after a ten day stay in hospital and a cast on his leg that goes from the top of his foot all the way up to his knee. He’d also gotten some cuts on his face and a few broken ribs and a sprained wrist. The doctors said he was lucky he was in the back seat when the bus that ran the red light clipped the truck Paddy was driving him home in. If Liam had been in the front that day…

Well. Let’s just say Louis is never going to let his thoughts travel down that road ever again. 

“So we’ll get you settled and then we’ll all camp out here for a bit, right lads?” Harry asks. 

Louis watches as Harry gets Liam settled on the sofa, his leg extended on the cushions and a thick duvet tucked around his lap. Niall is bringing Liam’s bags to his bedroom and Zayn is fiddling with the remote to get something to play on the telly. Liam says something to Harry and Harry smiles, brushes the hair back from Liam’s forehead and Louis doesn’t understand it. He can’t figure out how everyone is acting like everything is _okay_. Like things are _normal_.

He stands in the doorway, clenching and unclenching his fists because he’s just. He’s having a hard time getting the low level of panic to uncurl from his gut. He’s spent the past ten days convinced Liam was going to wake up in the middle of the night and just _die_ , and now here’s Zayn asking him if he’d prefer Hollyoaks over Eastenders and Niall shouting from the bedroom that Liam’s got no clean linens. 

Louis feels like his head is going to explode. 

“What…” Louis says, then trails off. No one hears him anyway, everyone too busy fussing about and that’s probably better, really. He needs to take himself and his thoughts and get a little space. 

“All right,” Louis says, loud enough that everyone stops. Harry stops his fussing and Zayn stops talking and Niall stops yelling and Liam just _stops_ , staring up at Louis from the sofa with wide, blinking eyes. “I think I’m--”

“Lou, are you all right?” Harry asks. He stands up from the edge of the sofa and comes over, fingers touching the edge of Louis’ face. Louis jerks back and looks away. “Lou, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just…” He looks up and shakes his head helplessly. He’s got no idea how to explain how he feels when he can’t even figure out how he feels himself. All he knows is he was convinced he was going to lose Liam, and the mere thought of that has got him so tied up in knots he’s not been able to function like a normal human since. “I think I’m going to have a kip, actually,” Louis says, rubbing his head and feigning a headache. It’s not a lie, really. His head _is_ killing him, just probably not for the reasons everyone thinks. 

“You’ll let us know if you need anything though, right?” Zayn asks. 

Louis nods and Niall comes out to join them, laying his hand on Louis’ back. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah, I’m…” He looks at Liam who’s staring at him with wide, dark eyes. Louis hasn’t seen Liam look at him like this in years. Like he can’t figure Louis out. Like he’s trying his hardest to do whatever Louis wants, even if he’s got no idea what that is. 

Underneath that all, the only think Louis can focus on is that Liam still looks _hurt_. He’s black and blue and bruised and bandaged. He was _hurt_ , is the bottom line, and Louis couldn’t _help_. 

“I’m fine,” Louis says, because he can’t think about it any more. “Completely fine,” he lies, and escapes into Liam’s guest room.

\--

Louis knows exactly the moment that Liam comes to find him, for lots of reasons. The main one being that Liam is on crutches and trying to sneak around on a hardwood floor is not working out so well for him. Then there’s also the fact that Liam is apparently being trailed by Harry and Niall and Zayn who are all telling him to leave Louis be, whispering as quietly as they all usually manage which is to say, not very quiet at all. 

He lets them fuss around for a bit in the hall before calling out that he’s awake. The door creaks open and then Harry sticks his head in, followed by Zayn and Niall who shoves them out of the way to let Liam pass. Liam’s mouth is set in the thin line as he makes his way across the room before falling down onto the bed, curling up against Louis when Louis pulls him in. 

“Lou,” Liam says, so quietly it breaks Louis’ heart. “Please don’t be cross with me.”

And oh god. _Fuck_. That wasn’t what - that’s not--

“I’m not cross with _you_ , Liam,” Louis insists. Liam lifts his head and blinks wide, wet eyes at Louis. Louis can’t stop himself, he leans in and kisses Liam’s cheek and jaw, lips barely grazing the light bruises on his face. “I’m cross because I couldn’t -- I mean, I tried to--”

“Louis is angry because he can’t change the events in history and make the accident never happen,” Zayn says flatly. He comes into the room and shoves Louis’ legs over to make room for himself to sit. Louis looks up long enough to glare and hold up his middle finger in Zayn’s direction, but Zayn just ignores him. He calls over Harry and Niall who all pile on the bed around them instead. 

“Don’t try and tell me that’s not the reason because you know it is,” Zayn adds. His eyes are not unkind. Louis looks down and slots his fingers in with Liam’s on one hand and with Niall who’s spooned up behind him with the other. 

“I was just--”

“You were worried,” Harry says slowly. He kisses Louis’ head and lies down on Liam’s other side. Louis hasn’t felt this calm and centered in days. He thinks that it should be strange but it’s not, really. He’s never felt as whole as he has from the very minute he’s met these four boys. 

“We were all worried, Lou,” Harry says again, “But I think…” He trails off and bites his lip. Everyone’s gone so quiet. Louis can hear the clock ticking from the other room and the faint sounds coming off from the telly. He watches as Harry leans in cautiously and kisses Liam on the mouth, a second too long to be an accident, and it’s like a blanket falls over them all. There’s a moment more of silence, and then a simple, perfect feeling of, _Oh. This is it_.

“I think we’ll all be good now that we’re together again, yeah?” Harry asks quietly.

Louis sees Zayn with his fingers threaded with Niall’s, their heads tipped close together and Zayn’s hand on Liam’s hip. Liam has an arm around Louis’ waist and he kisses the base of his throat. When Louis tips his head back Harry kisses him on the mouth, then giggles when Liam tickles his side and pulls him into the pile they’ve all made together. 

“I think that’s perfect,” Liam says. He looks up at all of them, brown eyes wide and hopeful. “Right, lads?”

“Yeah,” Louis says thickly. He’s got so much hope in his heart he can barely breathe around it. He smiles so wide he feels like crying. He’s never been so happy. “Perfect.”

*

_**1.**_

The fire flickers in front of him, and Zayn wonders one more time what exactly he’s doing here. Harry’s stepdad’s bungalow is the poshest thing he’s ever seen. There’s a huge, sprawling garden and a wide, laid out kitchen inside and a pool. A _pool_! Zayn’s only seen pools at houses in the films he watches with his mum late at night on the weekends after his sisters have gone to bed. He’s never seen one in real _life_.

The rest of the lads are nice though, it seems. Harry is a bit odd and Louis is loud as anything but Niall seems just genuinely happy to be with them all and Liam is quiet like Zayn. 

Zayn likes Liam. He likes him a lot. 

“I just. I want this so badly,” Liam says quietly. He’s sat next to Zayn in front of the fire, back ramrod straight and eyes staring unblinking into the distance. Zayn heard Liam telling Niall he’d tried out for X Factor another time and almost made it through before. He wonders what it must be like to come so close _two times_ and then be told no. He imagines it’s got to be awful. 

“Me too, mate,” Zayn says. He shuffles a bit closer, almost close enough that he and Liam’s shoulders will touch. Liam freezes again and moves almost imperceptibly away from him. Zayn looks over and catches Niall’s eye and Niall grins easily, shakes his head a bit almost telling Zayn to give Liam space.

Zayn has no idea how Niall would know that but he figures anyone’s got to be a better judge of people than he is and he lets it go. 

Harry and Louis had been splashing around in the pool and then finally come over to the fire, dripping wet with towels wrapped around their waists. Harry shakes out his hair and drops go flying everywhere. Niall laughs and Zayn manages a smile but he can see Liam’s face go white, his lips a firm line when Louis sits down next to him and slings a damp arm over Liam’s shoulders. 

“How’s things, Leemo?” Louis asks. 

Zayn can see Liam grit his teeth. “Fine.”

Zayn looks over at Harry who’s staring from Louis to Liam and back again. His eyes are wide and green and he’s got ridiculously pink cheeks. He’s skinny as a rail but Zayn heard him sing and he thinks he doesn’t really care much what Harry looks like as long as he keeps singing like that and smiling pretty at the judges. 

“Maybe we should like, practice?” Zayn offers. He’s not sure he should say anything at all, but Niall seems to think its a great idea. He gives Zayn a thumbs up and goes to grab his guitar. 

As soon as Niall starts strumming some chords, the air around them all seems to relax. Harry settles back against his hands and Niall hums along with whatever he’s been playing. Louis has backed off from Liam a bit and Liam is breathing easier, even managing a small smile when Harry starts to sing and Zayn picks up the harmony, singing along with him. 

“Oh,” Zayn hears Louis whisper. Zayn looks over at him and Louis grins, sharp and bright. He looks like he knows a secret. Zayn wants to know him well enough for Louis to tell him what it is. 

“Lads, that’s sick,” Louis says quietly. Niall beams and nods, playing his guitar a bit louder. They’re all harmonizing now, Louis adding his soft, lilting soprano to the mix, and it’s like once he hears it, hears the way they sound together, Zayn never ever wants them to stop. 

He hopes they never have to.

*

_**prologue**_

Liam’s got no idea what’s going on. He’d been crushed, again, and now he’s on top of the bloody world, again. He’s scared to death though, because he’s seen these lads around bootcamp. There’s the quiet one and the friendly one and the cheeky one and the loud one who scares the shit out of Liam. If he’s being honest with himself they _all_ scare him in a way, and now he’s supposed to - they’re all supposed to--

“Lads. _Lads_ ,” the loud one says. They’ve all pulled together in a huddle on the stage. Liam can feel someone’s hand on his back, someone elses on his hip. He wants to run away as far as he can from these strangers who can’t seem to stop touching him and talking to him as if they know each other - as if they’re a _group already_ \- but he can’t do that. This is his one chance, his _only_ chance right now, and he’s got to take it. He’s got to make himself ok with it. 

“Lads, we’re going to do this, right?” the loud one asks again. 

They’re grinning at each other, eyes damp and smiles wobbly. Liam watches as they all nod and then he nods himself. He can make this work. He can make himself sing with these boys because it’s going to be his job. Liam knows how to do a job. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be anything else and Liam’s fine with that. 

Liam doesn’t need friends, he just needs to be able to sing. 

He hears Simon call them back and then they’re standing in a line again, Liam next to the cheeky one called Harry who’s got his hand resting on Liam’s shoulder. It’s strange and odd and weird and every other word Liam can think of that means the same thing. He wonders if this is normal. He thinks it isn’t. He wonders if it’s going to keep happening and how he’s going to deal with it if it does. 

He’ll figure it out as he goes, he supposes. 

“Have you come to a decision?” Simon calls out. 

Liam feels them all look at each other. They’ve got nervous smiles and shaking hands. _I don’t know any of you,_ LIam wants to say. _You’re all a bunch of strangers_.

“We would like to take the opportunity,” Harry says and Liam thinks, _here we go._

 

*


End file.
